South Dakota is Sioux for Pigheaded Bastards

Well kids, Yr Uncle Johnny's back from his whirlwind Danish-Iranian Unity Golf Tourney, and let me tell you that was a cuddly good time. I am of the belief that the whole rioting over comics thing was solved by roasting our guests of honour--Salman Rushdie and Kid Rock--with jokes and the occasional flaming effigy. But what is really concerning me in this missive from the underground's subbasement is a little state called South Dakota. Now, I understand that there isn't much to do in South Dakota other than marvel at statues of dead white men who are only vaguely impressive and pass crazy legislation so that various urban centres remember you exist, but what they're doing now is just... well, offensive. And kidlets, I'm a hard man to offend outside of a tiajuana pony show, but this is disgusting. Granted, in a perfect world there would be no need for abortion but that's no reason to make it illegal for women to have one. By making it a crime for DOCTORS to perform this procedure/surgery/whatever you like you're simply inviting more coathangers into the profession, and the last time I checked coathangers have never gone to medical school and certianly have never sworn to first do no harm. This may save the lives of a few fetuses who have never breathed a breath, but it will also in all likelihood kill some women who have. So I have a couple proposals for those whacky SD Democrats and 'Publicans: You could enact a law that enables you to shoot pregnant women in the face, or you could elect to have the whole state government castrated in order to prevent a legacy of stupid from leaking out.

BAH, Here's 10 songs by Women making Choices

10. Ring of Fire -Johnny Cash (sure I know he's a man, but June wrote this puppy and she was a force of nature)
9. Survive- Gloria Gaynor
8. Respect- Aretha Franklin (If you do not repect the queen, she will hurt you, so you better think about what you're trying to do to her)
7. Back to Me- Kathleen Edwards (Sexiest Woman in Canada, if only cause she could out drink and out fight me and I'd like it)
6. Fuck the Pain Away- Peeches
5. Me and Bobby McGee- Janis Joplin
4. Stand by Your Man- Patsy Cline (Sometimes, it's hard to be a woman... if that aint the truth I don't know what is)
3. Rebel Girl- Bikini Kill
2. Rock N Roll Nigger- Patti Smith
1. The Pill- Loretta Lynn (Loretta doesn't take shit from anyone. Not her man catting around town, not the women sleeping with him that Loretta will soon relocate to Fist City, and certainly not from some moralising sonuvabitch pharmacist at Walmart who won't fill her perscription... this is a woman who chooses power and Uncle Johnny Likes!!)

jc.

Dear Fox,
Why, in the name of all that is holy, do you insist on messing up so badly. I'm beginning to think that you don't like television. I'm beginning to think you don't like me. Remember back in college when we were pals? We'd sit together for hours just staring at each other lovingly. Now, I'm not sure I can stand to be in the same room as you. I've been just lying back and thinking of the good old days while you crap on everything we once had for far too long now. If GOB goes, so do I.
formerly yours,jc.

Good Morning Campers! Your funky uncle Johnny's back after a festive layover back at the nowhere ranch with a visit to the second smelliest city in Canada. And, for those of you concerned with the simply scandalous sartorial habits of yours truly, let me tell you that, Yes Virginia, it is possible to buy a suit for $20 (Greenbacks, so that's like $25 real money). Anyway, I've been through airports more than I like so I'm giving you a couple of lists about that. I was going to give you a list of the all time greatest game endings in honour of Vince "Screw You Reggie Bush" Young and the Longhorns, but the gravol has me a little on edge and foggy memory wise as well, plus my infinite psyche is more occupied with the hot English Blonde with the ass of death and wonder that I saw during a layover at O'Hare.

Airports are for Lovers and Fat Hamster Brained Women Top 10

10. Homeland Security: If you fly, you've seen these cheery chaps and chapettes, they're the ones with the big black guns on their hips and the ability to give you the closest thing to an autoposy that a live person can stand. The thing about the DHS people is that they seem to be a touch bi-polar... are those sirens in the distance? What your law-abiding, freedom-cherishing, apple-pie lovin' uncle means to say is that the Man or Manettes at the airport only come in two flavours: Cheerful, helpful and a general delight with extra whipped cream or humourless and utterly convinced that, while you may not really be a threat to National Security, you should be made to feel the suffering that Buddha claims all existence is.

9. Plenty of Opportunities for PDA

8. Every Magazine stand sells porn. I love this. How much fun would it be to read a porn while sitting in coach where you practically know the people beside you carnally anyway? The cellophaned issues of Club International hidden behind a makeshift screen is proof of a loving God.

7. Children Screaming During Landing: Notice to all parents who must travel with their spawn, If you don't drug the kid so it shuts up, I will.

6. Kittens.

5. Lone fat women on planes. A study should be done, because everyone of these I see seem to expand to envelope all that surrounds it. It's like the Blob, but without Steve McQueen and the ability to eat popcorn while you see it.

4. The Dream of a Stewardess. Remember when Stewardesses were sexy little minxs? Me neither, but TV and movies have poisoned my mind. Sure, I know that it is all but impossible to enjoyably have sex in a airplane bathroom, but I can dream can't i? Did I mention the sexy british blonde I saw in Chicago? Not a stewadess but......

3. Personal DVD players. Now if airports just sold video porn....

2. Unchecked and Bulky Luggage not stored neatly in the overhead compartment.

1. Assigned Seating. IF your seat number according to your ticket is 17 C, THEN you do not sit in 17 A because you were there first. I could've been a small child fool of whimsey and then you would've still been a bitch.

Five Really Great Airplane Songs

1. Leavin' On a Jet Plane- Various.
This is a song that can alternate as something drunk people sing or a touching, moving song about loss and distance and pain. Ha Ha, your Girlfriend likes Armageddon.
2. Snoopy and The Red Baron- The Royal Guardsmen
Please pass the Root Beer please.
3.Coming Into Los Angeles- Arlo Guthrie.
His Dad gave us songs that were like Steinbeck novels for the eardrums, Arlo gave us a truly great song about smuggling Coke through the Airport. An Inspiration to all of us who aren't sure if tea is food as far as the customs officers are concerned.
4. White Rabbit- Jefferson Airplane.
Further explanation will be given by Bentio Del Toro and Johnny Depp
5. That'll Be the Day- Buddy Holly.
"...You say you're going to leave, you know it's a lie, 'cause that'll be the day that I'll die..."

jc.

Afternoons, Coffee Spoons, Proletarians

Five Books that are Enhanced when read in Prison, the Hospital, and an Airport

1. Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paolo Friere
Comp Theory is boring. Critical Pedagogy is hopelessly optimistic. I still love Paolo Friere. I read this in the Emergency Room of Hotel-Dieu Grace (which would be an excellent name for a prison or a hospital, but a lousy one for an airport) and I think that made it much easier for me to understand the disenfranchised Brazillians and the teachers how love them.

2. Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell
Winston Smith lives in a world of claustrophobic paranoia, minutes of hate, and large somewhat bizaare advertising. This also describes getting through security at McLaren in Vegas.

3. The Naked and The Dead by Norman Mailer
When else are you going to have the time? Have you seen this thing? It's a goddamn brick. Haliburton should by Henry Holt so they can sell these to the US Gov for use in the Iraqi reconstruction. Plus, the exquisite frustration of fug.

4. The Princess Bride by Morgenstern or Goldman or Andre the Giant
The idea of thousands of lonely prisoners, eyes marked by tattooed tear drops, writing letters asking for the extended kiss scene fills me with a perverse joy.

5. old Possum's Book of Practical Cats
Old Possum spent years as a Political Prisoner in Wiemar during which time he produced this revolutionary tretise calling for the end of law and the dawning of an age of anarchy. The worker to achieve this utopia was to gain class consiousness by ignoring the laws of gravity, licking themselves rudely in full public view and dancing in spandex. This inflamatory document, while being banned in Poland, Macedonia and East Timor, circulated quite freely until recently the broadways of New York's street and the finer Children's worker's reading groups.

jc.

Kirk Cameron has me Marked for (ETERNAL) Death

Good morning campers! I hope you've gotten your rest, cause yr Uncle Johnny has another heavy revvy to lay on your shattered little skulls. According to manperm enthusiast Kirk Cameron, Uncle Johnny here is going to hell. Yes, apparently I'm going to hell and so are you. Kirk Cameron espouses a brand of Christianity that would make Saint Augustine himself lean back and say "Woah, dude, Chill." Mind you, from the vibe I was getting on Little Mikey Seaver's webpage St. Augustine wouldn't be welcome in Kirk's heaven (What with the Whore of the Seven Hills and idolatry and all that clap trap). Now kidlets, Uncle Johnny believes and he believes in a relatively righteous manner, but he sins, also in a righteous manner. Brothers and Sisters, I lust in my heart. Everytime I see the new Victoria Secret commercial with Giselle, I commit adultery according to Father Kirk. I covet, I cuss, I drink. I live, baby. I wish I was perfect, but I have this little problem called humanity. We had people in the garden all of a week and we managed to mess that up. And it was such a nice place too. Anywho, Mikey Seaver wants me to go out and convert the sinners and the pagans and all that so I think I will. Although I hear the first ring of Hell is pretty rockin' what with all the virtuous pagans, so I'm going to convert you...

Top 10 Songs for the Long Days Journey into Sin

10. Warm Beer, Cold Women- Tom Waits
Is the life of a desperately lonely booze hound enviable? Hell no, but Tom Waits makes it sound romantic.

9.Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash

8. The Only Good Fascist is a Very Dead Fascist- Propaghandhi
If I have fallen short and sinned and am therefore destined to burn, I might as well take out a few assholes on my way down. Cogent advice for all of you confronted by stupid: "Kill them all and let a Norse God Sort'em out"

7. Sympathy for the Devil- Rolling Stones
Damn if this isn't catchy! Stryper was right, the devil does have all the good music.

6. You Light Up My Life- Debbie Boone
If you play it backwards Debbie commands you to "pass babies through the fire to Moloch" and "Eat the Flesh of the Innocent." And you thought that this was just super annoying.

5. Rock N Roll Nigger- Patti Smith Group
Intelligent, check. Has a point, check. Uses a politically loaded and "dangerous" word, check. Where's the PMRC when you need them?

4. Kill The Poor- Dead Kennedys

3. Saw Her Standing There- Beatles
"She Was just 17, if you know what I mean"

2. Anything by the Misfits
Glenn Danzig is makes ripping the heads off little girls sound so sweet. Brings a tear to my eye.

1. Highway To Hell- AC/DC
Der.

Hey kids, your Uncle Johnny's back! I'm sorry I left you all alone on your winding winding scary scary woody world for so long, but I had to play messiah and philosopher king to a group of far less deserving snot-nosed, cherry-goober-pussed chilluns for a while. But I came back just for you my melancholic firebrands! The reports of Uncle Johnny's death--and that he could be something as pedestrian as a mere man--were highly exagerated. So now, without further ado, I will provide you with the 10 songs you must play at every wedding, and the five you shouldn't. Johnny's here, babies, Johnny's here.

Ten Wedding Essentials!

10. I'm in Love with a Girl- Big Star
To quote the pilsner poet laureate, Paul Westerburg, "Children by the millions think of Alex Chilton, and he comes running. They say, 'I'm in love, what's that song?'"

9. Let's Get it On- Marvin Gaye
We all know that weddings are great places to hook up with desperately single members of the wedding party or someone's sister or cousin who's imbibed a tad too much, but let's look at this from a strictly legal point of view. The wedding isn't a sure deal until it's consumated... and there you go.

8. Twist and Shout- Beatles
White folks dance to this. White folks dancing is funny in a way that no other ethnic group dancing is.

7. Kiss- Prince
Nobody notices, but this song will get the hips to switch moving from side-to-side to front-to-back. And that's just the dancing twinkie cream filling.

6. Angie- Rolling Stones
A subtle goodbye to all those who failed to bag the bride or groom and will be the cause of marital strife. We all know men/women/badgers who despite never talking to a particular person for years on end will figure prominently in marriage councelling. This is the wedding equivalent of pouring a 40 on the curb for your dead homies.

5. Every Rose has its Thorn- Poison
Der. Plus, now available with Irony.

4. Check the OR- Organized Rhyme
Chemists have proven that this song plus alcohol results in a chemical reaction producing party. Party is good. The more party you can provide the cheaper you can go on food.

3. The Chicken Dance
'Cause I promised someone very dear to me once. Oh, also, fun.

2. Lust For Life- Iggy Pop
Yes, I know this song is about drugs (really, which song isn't about some vice?) but it's fun, and if getting married doesn't make you want to jump around like a crazy freak to an excellent beat then you're doing it for the money and I'm sure whores like this song too.

1. Let's Stay Together- Rev. Al Green
Do I really need to explain this? Are you that dense? Read the title again. Are you with me yet?

Songs That never ever ever never ever should be played at a wedding.
5. A cute song (Bob Carlisle, I'm looking at you and Butterfly Kisses) for the bride and her Daddy. This will throw the diabetics in the crowd into a coma and make everyone else--with the exception of your weepy, drunk aunt who eats this shit up with a spoon--get the dry heaves.
4. "Your Song" if you are stupid enough to have a bad song as your song. You know that Celine, backstreet boys, Maroon 5 are all crap so choose a better song. Oh, and "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel is not your song because you are not as cool as Lloyd Dobler, deal with it.
3. Fuck Tha Police by NWA
2. I will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. Two reasons here: 1/ There is an infinitely better version by Dolly Parton and 2/Whitney has dead, dead, dead eyes.
1. YMCA by the Village People. Seriously, is your wedding really about cruising for like minded gayboys? It is? Really? Cool, I've said it before and I'll say it again: The Maple Leaf Forever (sorry Georgypoo)

jc.

It's like Belle & Sebastian... on happy drugs... and Americana

Well, well, welly, well, well kidlets, your Uncle Johnny is back with a report of a musical nature. Last night, as I have decided to have a social life, I rode the very bus that may have inspired Paul Westerberg to write about kissing on the bus (probably not though, this bus didn't looke like it had been in service in the 80s, nice cushioned green pleather seats though.... I'd do naughty things while people watched on them) downtown to the venerable First Avenue to see Sufjan Stevens. First Ave, as you might've recalled, was the setting of the triumphant finale of Prince's Purple Rain.... Prince made it look bigger. Also, perhaps the darkest club I have ever been in (which may explain why some random bit of girlflesh tried to pick up your hideous Uncle Johnny.... that Livejournal thing had to be a line). Anyways, the show was... surreal. The pep and cheer and joy from an artist with a ballad about John Wayne Gacy was both frightening and entertaining, and as one of my companions happened to note: "like Belle & Sebastian doing Godspell".